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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Hello All

Thank you for all the birthday messages. I must say that yesterday was easier than last year, so I suppose it will get easier and easier. I can’t say I was particularly happy but I managed. I went home early and slept the whole afternoon. I just felt very tired and drained all of a sudden yesterday and then Daryl came home and made me steak, cheese sauce, chips, creamed spinach and pumpkin. It was “pretend pretend” going out food, cos we wanted to do something to celebrate but were really not in the mood for actually going out. I am so blessed to have Claire in the office with me now, as she surprised us with home baked cupcakes with yellow and blue icing and yellow roses. If Dec’s mommy can’t bake for him, at least Claire can, so we were able to give the family some cake. I feel guilty for not doing anything myself, but I just don’t have the energy. On days like these, all my energy is focused on keeping it together and not crumpling up into a foul little heap.

On a happier note, we had a check up yesterday on Dec’s birthday. Tickle is doing great and weighs about 650 grams. I am 24 weeks now and Doc says she is supposed to weigh about 500 grams. Doc also started giggling and when I asked him why, he said she has a very fat little tummy. So it’s official. My baby is a little porker and it probably has something to do with the fact that her mother can’t control her appetite. I have gained a whopping 10 kilograms already. I asked the nurse why and she looked at me like I’m doff. She said, “you have gained lots of weight cos you eat too much! Simple as that. Nothing foreign or scientific about it!” Thanks Nursie – couldn’t you just say I have a healthy appreciation of food. Declan was not a big baby – 3.165 kg’s at birth, so let’s see what Madame Fluff is going to be. I must say I think chubby little babies are very cute. Doc says it is better for baby to be bigger than smaller anyway and that he is very happy with Tickle’s progress – all looks good. Congrats Marian on Bryce Robert, born yesterday 14 June 2010, a respectable 3.6 kg’s. Can’t wait to meet you tomorrow!

On a not so happy note, little Jed, the 5 year old who beat a monster on his brain has just found out that it came back and more aggressively than before. There is nothing they can do and like Dec, his Mommy Bonnie is at home with him. I was thinking we could make some meals for them. It was a big help when people brought us food over this time as there were so many visitors and mouths to feed and food is the last thing you can focus on. The only thing is, I don’t want to impose and just pitch at her house during what I know is a very precious and private time, so I am waiting to see if I can track someone down who does know them well and can deliver food. If anyone wants to help, pls mail me on aurasa@metroweb.co.za and I can let you know what is happening. I have learnt how to make packet chicken a la king, so I can do that with rice. When Deccie was terminal Claudine brought us lasagne in a tin foil type dish, so I could just throw it away when I was done and I could even freeze it, so that works well.

Thank you again for all the birthday messages.

Lots and lots of love

Gillian

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hello all

So off we went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. Appointment was at 3.15 and he saw us just after 4. I was so desperate to know if it would be pink or blue. Truth be to told, I wanted a boy but for all the wrong reasons. I secretly hoped that if it was a boy, I would get another “turn” with Declan. I could pretend he was back and I could watch him grow, but that would probably not be fair on the child. He would always be in Declan’s shadow and he would be a “replacement” Declan. I know it’s wrong but that’s how I felt. So when I got the news about the gender, I cried my eyes out. I was reminded so painfully again that Declan is gone and will never come back and no matter what I do, I can’t get him back, in any shape or form. I can’t even live a lie to myself and pretend he is back. It is over and he is gone.

On reflection though, I am very happy and I know God knew what he was doing when he gave me this little baby. She will be her Mommy’s girl and she will be her very own person, not walking in someone’s shadow and not being my desperate attempt to see my Declan in other child. Yes, it’s a precious little girl and we can’t be more thrilled. She will get her own clothes. We will change the colours and re-design the room and it will be a complete and total fresh start. She will always have her little brother watching over her, protecting and loving her from afar. We have our pigeon pair and Declan met her already and sent her here to do some healing.

I truly am very excited and happy now. Don’t get me wrong. It was just a secret little wish I had harboured to have a boy and I didn’t get my way and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the right thing for us and our family and for this precious little unborn child.

Sorry for keeping you all in suspenders .

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